abigailology: Obese is not a body shape.

Nerdy, but not fat yet.

Obesity is not just a problem for some Americans, it is a problem that touches everyone. Chances are somebody you know and love has or is battling obesity. I wasn't always fat. I had an active childhood and ate my fruits and veggies. Even with an obese mother and grandmother I never considered that I too could have weight struggles one day.

It happened slowly. I stopped playing sports when I was 15 to work more hours all the while never realizing those fun activities I enjoyed were preventing a serious problem. I gained about 10 pounds a year in high school...my tall 5'10" frame expanding from about 160lbs to 200lbs. Truth be told I already felt like a blimp at 160lbs. Of course that is nonsense. My height and weight were perfectly normal...but try talking that sense into a 16 year old girl whose friends were 5'2" and 100lbs. At the time I thought my shape was awful, but when I look back on those pictures all I see are full breasts and hips and a tiny waist. A woman's hourglass figure on an adolescent. My mother always tried telling me this...but what teenager wants to listen to their mom?

I went off to college thinking "I've got a bit of weight to lose". No big deal. There was a gym on campus, right? Long story short...I rarely saw that gym. I had a brief flirtation with it in my junior year. I lost about 20 pounds, but it found its way back. I developed some of the worst eating habits during those four years. With a packed schedule of full-time classes, 3 jobs, and of course parties, I managed to swell up to 290lbs by my graduation. I never ate breakfast, rarely ate lunch, and ate whatever I could get my hands (mouth?) on at night and went straight to bed. Throughout college, I grew very comfortable with myself. The insecure 16 year old was gone and I loved my womanly shape. I knew I had weight to lose, but there was no sense of urgency. I looked good in clothes, had a handsome boyfriend, gorgeous and kind friends, great flexibility and decent stamina. There was no pressure to lose weight.

Now, I've been very blessed to have grown so tall. Even at my recent top weight of 303lbs I was only wearing a size 22. I've met women who weigh 50-70 pounds less than that and were the same size if not bigger than me. My mother is still about 20 pounds lighter than me and yet four sizes bigger. Even today as I write this at around 280 pounds, my waist is still 14 inches smaller than my hips. Go figure.

As the years went by and the number on the scale went up I started to notice a particular phenomenon. When I mentioned wanting to lose weight to anyone I often received a response of "You should be proud of your body shape! You need to learn to love it!" or, "You're beautiful just the way you are!", etc., etc. This always confused me. Did I say I wasn't proud of my body? Did I say I didn't love it or that I think I'm not beautiful? It is because I love my body and it is because I think I'm beautiful that I want to be as healthy as possible. And being as healthy as possible does not include being obese. It dawned on me that no matter how good I looked or felt, no matter how proportional my hourglass shape was, there is no reason for somebody (even a very tall somebody) to be 300 pounds.

Fact of the matter is this: "obese" is not a body shape. It should not be classified with the likes of apple, pear, and hourglass shapes. It is a serious medical condition that shouldn't be something we need to "learn to love". Obese, morbidly obese, and super obese people need to be respected and treated kindly like every other human deserves. Yet we don't need to be treated as if the unfortunate situations we've found ourselves in are something to just be accepted and never properly dealt with. Yes, we need to be kind to ourselves too...the obese population should absolutely take pride in their bodies and not be ashamed. However, that pride and self-esteem needs to lead to actions towards a healthier lifestyle, not just a complacent attitude of "I should just be happy with my obese body because that's who I am now".

Oh, did somebody say "actions"? I must have been too busy daydreaming about cheese to hear that. In all seriousness though, I have been taking action to bring down my own BMI. I've spent the past two years since college graduation just trying to teach myself to eat breakfast. Over the past four months I've lost 20lbs. I started jogging (quite pathetically I may add) and attempting to eat smaller portions. I'm actually getting a handle on this whole "lifestyle change" notion and I'm ready to kick it into the next gear.

So today I'm sore from the exercise but excited that my grasp on what weight loss means to me is finally firm.

Weight is something I rarely talk about with anybody other than my best friends and fiance. I know the judgements that happen when you can attach a number to a person. I know because I've passed those judgements onto myself and others.

I hope you'll stick around to read my ramblings and share in my triumphs and...less-than-triumphs, as I try to shake this oh, last 100 pounds or so. ;-)

---

Here are some pictures documenting my slow and steady weight gain from 160lbs to 303lbs. While it makes me sad, it is just as much a part of me and my journey as the trip back down.